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Wives in the Locker Room

Wives In the Locker Room: Sneak Peek!

My first marriage book is finally launching and a book-signing party is coming up!  I just couldn’t wait to share the first chapter here.

Why all the excitement?

  • I believe every woman, regardless of marital status or sports affiliation/aversion, struggles with relationships and “difficult” people.  (Just because it’s not your husband doesn’t mean that the principles don’t apply.)
  • I put a lot of ME into this book. I truly think you can relate and will be amused. And of course, new perspectives are always helpful.
  • This book is meant to be shared. How many young women do you know that could benefit from a fun and potentially life-changing read?

Please join me at the party!

The book signing will be at The BookMark in Neptune Beach (22o First Street) on February 9 at 7 p.m.  So enjoy this snippet and then pick up your copy in person on February 9 just in time for Valentine’s Day with your man!  Can’t make it out to The BookMark?  You can get a copy right here.

develop greater intimacy | kim skinner | words for women blog

5 Ways To Develop Intimacy In Marriage

Don’t you want to be truly known and understood? Not just pitied or tolerated, but affirmed, encouraged and adored? That’s intimacy. But it’s difficult to reach – and costly to maintain. Be proactive in developing such a relationship by taking the following steps.

1. Reestablish your commitment.

This is primarily a unilateral decision. If an intimate relationship is your goal, remember that intimacy thrives when planted in the rich soil of unconditional love.

2. Think like a man.

Understand that, for him, sex is primary! It cannot be separated from his understanding of intimacy. Verbal intimacy may be your goal but jump in with both feet and be intimate with him in the language he speaks.

3. Brainstorm romantic strategies to arouse him.

Being available, cheerful, and awake for regular sexual encounters actually promotes emotional intimacy. Additionally, you may find your satiated man more communicative and self-aware.

 4.  Risk vulnerability.

Making demands, refusing to take the first step, or half-hearted attempts all spring from self-protection. Be ALL IN and make it safe for him to open up.

5.  Spend time together.

Seek to share in his dreams as you affirm him and ask gentle questions. Listen well. Affirm his attributes and appreciate the uniqueness in him.

These general guidelines have been proven powerful, but must be repeated often – and with enthusiasm. Don’t grow weary in loving deliberately. It’s worth it.

Asking Our Husbands For Help

Asking Our Husbands For Help

I recently read this humorous definition of outdoor barbecuing:

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

One. The woman goes to the store to buy all the ingredients for the meal.

Two. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

Three. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cola.

Four. The man places the meat on the grill.

Five. The woman goes inside to set the table, put out the condiments, and check the vegetables.

Six. The woman comes out to tell the man the meat is burning.

Seven. The man gets off his lounge chair, puts his cola down, takes the meat off the grill, and hands it to the woman.

Eight. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

Nine. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

Ten. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Funny, but true I think. Nevertheless, we women have the potential to help our husbands to help us or to further develop helplessness in these poor men.

Last week my husband and I spent a week alone with the purpose of resting and re-committing ourselves to a vibrant healthy marriage relationship. Here are some of the neglected principles I, again, recognized.

When we need help from our husbands, we should kindly and specifically request such help. Example: “Honey it would mean so much to me and make my day less stressful if you would please ______.” Remember to follow this with affection and positive encouragement.

Wait patiently, refusing to do the task yourself, and praise his efforts upon completion. Don’t correct or criticize.  Help him to understand why you appreciate what he has accomplished.

 Ask him for affirmation and encouragement.  When it comes to caring for the home and children, I am generally more comfortable and efficient. I have found that possibly the most helpful way my husband contributes to the family is with a supportive attitude and repeated words of affirmation and appreciation. Don’t hesitate to say, “Honey, today I really need for you to brag on me.”

Refuse to poke fun at your husband’s attempts at domestic helping. My patient husband helped me to understand that my humorous comments about his peculiarities or ineptness around the house hurt him deeply. I needed to be called out. Instead, I have committed to expressing gratitude for the many things he does for me and our family.

In conclusion, I have discovered that left unchecked I am naturally prone to be selfish and demanding. “I need” is the voice of my heart. When I am reminded to be considerate of the needs of my husband, I discover that he responds with a cheerful willingness to help. Amazing but true. The more we demand the less we receive. The more we give the better. Give it a try.

sand-heart-at-the-beach

Do You Love Me? The Importance of Friendship and Marriage

When was the last time you said that? How recently have such thoughts immerged?

It is not surprising that that everyone needs love. It is one of the most basic ingredients for human survival– essential and life-giving. How sad it is when a husband or wife feels compelled to ask this question of a spouse.

What kind of love do we need? The Greek language has four different words for love.

  • Agape, love on a spiritual level
  • Eros, emotional, chemical, physical attraction
  • Storge, love a parent has for a child
  • Philia, friendship

We might argue that all are important to marriage. Nevertheless spiritual stoicism or animal magnetism does not a good marriage make.

Deep abiding friendship in marriage is invaluable yet often neglected, C.S. Lewis says.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

The actions of true friends communicate concern and admiration. Honesty and self-disclosure in a friendship provide safety and boundaries for nurture. A true friend always lets you in and never lets you down.

Every married couple needs the vital healing power of committed friendship. So how do we get it?

Be a friend to your husband.

* Respect and encourage him.

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.     –George MacDonald

“Cast a loving thought into his heart,” by showing him that you care about him. Small but repeated acts of consideration go a long way.

* Share your inner self with him. Let him in on your dreams for him and the attributes you most admire. Help him to become better!

Don’t expect your friend to be a perfect person. But, help your friend to become a perfect person. That’s true friendship.–Mother Theresa

* Don’t let him down.

Help him to know you’ve got his back. Don’t allow the needs of your children or home to make him feel marginalized. Perhaps, as a result of neglect, your relationship is more a marriage of enemies than lovers.

I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends. –Abraham Lincoln

Have the courage to risk extravagant giving of yourself for him. Be a friend to him and refuse to expect payback. Keep at it and you may be surprised to discover a mutual friendship developing in your marriage.

The only way to have a friend is to be one. –Ralph Waldo Emerson